My Daughter

I know, as writers, we are not to journalize our thoughts and post to our blog. However, today my mind’s preoccupied with my daughter and it has given me writers block. So I figured why not share the happiest moment of my life? After all, writing is what I do and she is all I want to write about today.

IZABELLA

2002

The moment I realized she was growing inside of me, I experienced love like a blind person seeing for the first time. In a split second, I completely comprehended the true meaning of the word. Something filled my heart when, as far as I had been concerned, it was already full. In one harsh reality I realized my heart was not even close to its capacity. The instinct to protect the hard spot on my lower abdomen was so intense I find it hard to describe. I just knew that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t endure to make absolute certain of its safety.

When I went to my first doctor’s appointment, it was a shocking surprise to find out I was nine weeks. Assuming I was less than a month and there I was nearly out of my first trimester. Another awesome surprise; I had my first ultra sound.

There are no words for the emotions that flooded through me as I saw my baby for the first time, which greatly resembled the shape of a kidney bean. I saw her brain, the big dark spots that were to be her eyes, four pods that would grow into limbs, and her heart.

Then I heard it for the first time. The sound of my baby’s heart beat and it is the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard or will ever hear again. Words escape me as I try to describe the beauty of it all.

As she grew it became more pronounced to me that she was a mover and a shaker. Non-stop there was an elbow here or a foot there. However, not once did she get me in the ribs. I heard horror stories about babies actually bruising ribs or making you pee your pants, something she  never did. As she stuck out an appendage I would play with her by gently tickling the area or patting it down. This must have excited her because she would move all the more as if enticing me to do it again. I envisioned a big smile on her face as we played our game.

My ultra-sound at twenty weeks granted yet another marvelous perception. I watched my baby yawn! It was amazing! I had no idea they become real little people while they develop in there. It was then confirmed I was having a girl. Of course this information was not a big surprise as I knew from the beginning she was a girl. I even secretly named her the day I discovered I was pregnant.

I would talk to her as if she could understand everything that I had to say. When I slept I cradled her holding my belly so tight she had to have known that it was my arms protecting her. Crazy as it sounds, when she was born I wasn’t ready for her to present herself and be out of the safe confines of my body. I would have been happy to have her stay right where she’s at for another four weeks. Unfortunately, that little turkey had other plans.

One Saturday morning when I was thirty-six weeks, I woke up feeling absolutely horrible. My feet, back, and the long ligaments in my tummy ached so badly I was crying most of the day. I was so miserable, my boss sent me home from work.

When I arrived at home  my husband had to take my shoes off, because I could not bend over to do so myself. I then took a long four-hour nap. I should have known something was off because that jumping bean never let me lie down to sleep during the day, but she barely moved at all allowing me to have the rest we both would need. I just assumed it was because there was so little room in there for her. The Braxton-hicks were so bad I figured it bothered her as bad as it did me so she remained still.

Well little did I know that I was not in false labor as I was the weekend prior. After dinner I went over to my in-laws for some comfort and relaxation. The contractions were so hard that my thirteen year old sister-in-law noticed my tummy shrinking to literally half of its normal size. Freaking out she pointed and asked, “What is wrong with your tummy?”

As uncomfortable as I was, I just laughed as I watch her eyes widen every time I had another contraction. Silly as it sounds, it never occurred to me that I had been in labor all day until IT happened. Sitting there minding my own business, I suddenly felt my baby drop and a warm sensation in my underpants.

I stood up quickly yelling, “Oh no! I’m peeing my pants.” Then with a loud pop and to my dismay, my water broke all over the couch and the floor. Now for those who have not experienced the pleasure of ruining someone’s couch and carpet, when your water breaks it gushes then splashes everywhere. It’s rather disgusting and I am not proud of that fact.

At the hospital nurses run around as I’m being prepped, visitors are in and out seeing how I’m progressing. As I am waiting to deliver my most precious gift, fear rips through me as the realization of it all hits me. She is coming tonight. 

I’m scared. I’ve never taken care of a baby before, and I have no clue what to do. But the doctor is telling me to push and get her out as her vitals drop and my blood pressure is dangerously low. Placing an oxygen  mask on my face, I’m being yelled at to push, push, push, push. Then….

“STOP!”

“What’s happening?”

She was out. Screaming at the top of her lungs, my perfect baby girl was laying on my belly scrunched up into a little ball.  Confused for a moment, I wasn’t quit sure what to do.

“Touch her,” he said smiling with tears in his eyes.

Gently stoking her wonderfully soft hair, “It’s okay Izabella. Shhh.”

She opened those beautiful eyes and immediately the fusing stopped. She knew me! I was so elated and surprised. No where did I read nor did anyone tell me my baby would know me when she came out. But she did. Then I remembered all those times it was just her and I, as I would talk or sing to her. I had no idea how strong of a bond I would have with my baby.

Summer 2003

When I’d nurse her, she’d look up at me with those big grey beautiful eyes and smile. Without uttering a single word, I knew she loved me as much, if not more than I loved her. It was magic. Izabella is the key that unlocks my happiness.

It was difficult at first because I hadn’t the opportunity to ever care for an infant before. With awe-inspiring patients we learned from each other and grew together. Her being a newborn and myself being a new mother, we have come a long way.

We have learned so much from one another. I taught her things like how to count, dance, and sing. Izabella has allowed me to experience everything for the first time once again through her eyes. And I will tell you this, life through a child’s eyes is awesome. Everything is big, bright, scary, and wonderful. Curious about everything, their minds absorb knowledge like a sponge.

2011

That baby is now nine and our bond is as strong as it was on that first day we officially met. She is so very special to me and all who are influenced by her. Time is going by so very fast, and days like today have my mind wandering to the future when she will no longer be part of my everyday life. It’s comprehensible, yet that is the way of it.

I am now remarried and my husband says, “She is the glue that holds our family together.” He has never been so right about such a fact as this.

If it were not for her, we would not have the beautiful family we have today and I could not ask for a better situation. I have three more beautiful children whom I did not have to birth myself. Yet, I reap the joys, of parenthood nonetheless.

There is a quality in my daughter that makes her unique. This special little girl was not meant to happen, yet here she is with all her splendor. I wouldn’t trade a single moment of my life because of her.

There are times, for no reason at all, we burst into a fully belly laughs that’ll send us into hysteria. It starts with Izabella, then advances to the rest of us. Again, it’s magic.

It’s funny, just the other day Izabella asked me if I believed in magic. I told her not in the literal sense however the illusions created by magicians are fantastic. Guess I should tell her different now that I think about it as our bond is not a fallacy. It’s an awesome display of a miracle that we have the great fortune to experience together.

We are so very blessed to have each other.  I thank God every day that I have this to come home to. And it is all because of Izabella.

2009

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