Category: Domestic Violence

“Not Even Once” is to educate those who are in an abusive relationship or have suffered abuse.

Reflections From the Disheartened

by Shell DeToni, posted in Domestic Violence, Non-fiction

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There are moments in life that change you forever; define you, indefinitely.  Sure, wounds heal, but just as the old saying goes, “The scars remain.”

For some, the most definitive moment that has forever altered life’s reality is when the person they loved and trusted most unleashed their aggression and hit them. This life changing event is so horrible it turns air into acid, burning a hole in your chest. With each breath, the agony pierces and twists deeper until it devours you.

Survivors of violence can attest to how difficult it truly is to keep going after an incidence with their significant other. Your life is turned upside down and becomes chaotic. Feelings betray you, or at least that’s what you deem true. You start to second guess every decision you’ve ever made including the simple ones like dinner.

A mad rush of guilt veils and losses are mourned. The loss of your partner, your lover, your best friend, your self-esteem, and your sanity. Anxiety and at times, depression take hold and can paralyze. Loneliness consumes creating this frightened and fragile person.

Life is now a charade of a fake painted on smiles and counterfeit pleasantries that drain every ounce of energy you have. By the end of the day there is no strength left to fight off the demons that now own you. So the darkness is allowed to engulf the mind and leaves you desperate to find an escape, if only for a brief period.

You don’t dare cry out for help and certainly won’t let anyone learn the truth. Human connections are irrefutably out of the question. Your too damaged. Emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. Shame destroys any confidence as the value of your self-worth rapidly declines extinguishing any hope of recovery.

As time goes on, identity is lost as you are now defined as, “That person.”

The inevitability of seclusion becomes a life-preserver and you cling to it with relentless desperation. Solitude befriends in such weird and strange ways, yet offers no comfort or satisfaction, only thoughts of loss and despair.

It’s unknown how much time passes before the healing is acknowledged. The downward spiral is sporadic and irrational. Sometimes the screaming in your head drowns out the restoration, forbidding you to find peace. But it is there, somewhere. You must keep searching.

There are good days. You take them when the occasion allows it. At times, to your utmost surprise, genuine laughter escapes the lungs and bestows the air with the joyous sound you believed lost forever.

There are bad days. And they are just that, bad. Foolish choices will be made, baseless accusations will overflow, and unfounded self-torture will brand. These new wounds will create more scars. Try to use them as camouflage, hiding the carcasses of the demons that you battled.

Defined by an act based off someone else’s behavior is unjust and certainly not fare. Yet, there it is. However, accepting failure and giving up simply isn’t an option. Take the good with bad.  Learn from it and trudge on. The choices made by others that have affected your way of life are challenging to overcome. Just remember to breathe through the pain. Eventually, everything is going to be alright.

 

October is National Domestic Violence Month and I apologize for this being late. The month is dedicated to educate and help those who are facing the unimaginable. If you or someone you know is a victim, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

That’s Not Love

by Shell DeToni, posted in Domestic Violence, Non-fiction

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Domestic Violence awareness can mean life or death, and awareness couldn’t be more necessary. Domestic violence does not discriminate nor does it care about your social status. Abusers come from all walks of life and from every culture afflicting one out of every four women.

With a Jekyll and Hyde mentality, domestic violence abusers are dangerous and often deadly. It sometimes is difficult to identify an abuser because most are cunning and deceiving.  For the most part they appear to be generous, friendly, and appealing. Behind closed doors these monsters are lascivious and cruel. Victims feel as if they are walking on eggshells never knowing when the infamous Mr. Hyde will materialize.

Emotionally crippled, domestic violence victims are convinced that all hope is lost and they truly deserve what they get because they are no longer able to fix things. Telling themselves it’s their fault; they provoked the attack because dinner was ruined, the wrong thing had been said when they knew better, or not being home on time. Abusers never, ever take responsibility for their actions. Always blaming everyone else for their repugnant behavior.

With the never-ending obsession of being in control, abusive partners are insidious. Early in the relationship, they will have the victim believing that their controlling behavior is all in the name of love:

  • Keeping tabs on you by consistently calling or texting. In the beginning it’s cute, “Ah! I can’t believe you care so much about me that you have to know every detail of every second of my life. How romantic!” But after a while, you realize it has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with, “you had better drop everything and answer that damn phone when I call or else.”
  • They repeatedly remind you that no cares for you but them. So you cut everyone out of your life and are left alone with your one true love. What you don’t realize is, when there is no one else in your life there is no else to care about you. If your completely isolated, there is no interference with your abusers control and manipulation over you. You become hopelessly dependent upon them.
  • Coerced sexual activities. Oh sure, it might have intrigued you or peaked your interest when the topic of conversation was brought up. But no means no! It doesn’t matter the reasons why. If you’re not into it, you shouldn’t be forced to do it! When someone forces you into an unwanted sexual act, it’s rape! Rape is NOT love!

It’s absolutely imperative to get away from your abuser before you are seriously injured or murdered. Most will decided to leave only after an incident that can no longer be hidden. A beating so severe, you require medical treatment and no amount of story telling will convince anyone of anything but the fact that you have been assaulted.

First step to getting away is to make a plan:

  • Pack a getaway bag. Store it in a safe hidden place like an old box in the garage, at someone else’s house, or under the matte in the trunk of your car where the spare tire is. Have cash, a prepaid activated cell phone with plenty of minutes, a list of contacts, and toiletries such as a hair brush, soap, toothbrush, and toothpaste. Make certain you have important documents like your birth-certificate, social security card, passport, etc. Don’t pack anything the abuser will notice. Remember, they have a gift for sniffing out defiance.
  • Tell somebody. You won’t be able to do this alone. The emotional impact will be more than you can take. You will need help. Confide in a trusted friend, coworker, or a member of your own family. Better yet; call the police.  If you end up in the hospital tell them the truth, they already know what happened and they are there to help you.

Yes you’re embarrassed, humiliated, and degraded. You’re thinking, “I’m scared. He said he’d kill me if I told anyone or if I tried to leave.” Or, “He told me I would never see my children again.”

Yes, he did tell you those things and yes, he means it. All the more reason to get away and get some help. And you do need help. Getting out safely cannot be done alone. You need a plan, which means somewhere to go, money to get you there, and protection if he comes after you .

Get a restraining order to protect yourself and the children. But remember that it’s just a piece of paper, so it’s necessary to take precautions during your transition:

  • Be prepared for the overwhelming guilt. You’ll have moments when the good memories surface and you think that you’ve overreacted. Especially when the abuser contacts you swearing their undying love even though you brutally locked them up in jail. They forgive you, now it’s time you forgave them. Beckoning yet another chance, promising to never lay a hand on you again as if miraculously they’ve been rehabilitated.
  • This person is not your friend and cannot be trusted! Under any circumstances do not make contact with the abuser. The last thing you need is for them to find out where you are living at.

I’m not going to lie. It’s the most painful transition you will ever go through. Now that I’m an outsider looking in, it’s absolutely worth it! I do not regret that I left and believe it or not, the pain is gone.

Please, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get help!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

http://www.thehotline.org/

24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-7233

It’s Not You, It’s Him.

by Shell DeToni, posted in Domestic Violence, Non-fiction

Español: Violencia de género (Violencia doméstica)

In a recent conversation, I was told that woman have ways to make their partners violent towards them. This person actually said to me that men are pushed into hitting women, “I know exactly what they do.”

I cannot stress enough to those who are victims of domestic violence; THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE SOMEONE VIOLENT AND VICTIMS DO NOT DESERVES TO GET THE HELL BEAT OUT OF THEM!

Abusers are sick and disturbed people who are very good at manipulation and imposing fear. They are so good at it, one could call it a gift. They don’t just physically abuse their partner and sometimes children, they psychologically damage them. And it can happen to anyone.

A little girl does not make use of her time daydreaming about spending her life with a monster that mirrors the man her mother married. She doesn’t want to be tortured by the one person who has sworn to love her more than anyone else. Children who grow up in violent homes, daydream about escaping and living a beautiful, self-sustaining life. Unfortunately, without “normal” life skills, those girls often end-up in what appears to be the same hopeless situation as their mother.

At first life is fun and exciting with him. He puts her on a pedestal praising her above all others. He’s cool and likable by all who meet him and he’s chosen her to spend his life with. With lifelong self-esteem issues, she takes his praise and runs away with him honestly believing he’s her knight in shinning armor.

Life is good for a while, one can almost call it fairy-tale like. But as we all know, a fairy-tale is not real. It’s make-believe and these horrors are anything but made up. When life situations interrupt their imaginary happiness, chaos turns paradise into a living hell.

The first time it happens he’s convinced her that it will never happen again. She tries over and over to figure out what happened. He hugs her tight to his chest whispering through tears about how sorry he is and swears on the moon and stars that it will never happen again. Playing on her insecurities, he reminds her that there is no one else who cares about her. Even uses, “Your parents don’t even want you, but I do. I love you.”

Convinced this is his one and only episode that will never happen again, she stays. After assessing the damage, she believes that the bruises and sore spots on her arms and back are no big deal. After all, it’s not like he punch her in the face. He just grabbed her arms and threw her around a bit than pushed her through a door.

Cycle of Abuse WheelAs time goes on, the violence gets worse. She’s strong-armed, has things thrown at her, spit on, jerked around by her hair, body slammed, doused with water, and raped. She wears clothing that covers the bruising. Consistently she calls in sick for work and impedes all communication with friends and family because every-time she leaves the house she’s accused of having sexual affairs with other men.

He tells her to just stop making him so mad. Other people wouldn’t dare treat him the way she does and he wouldn’t act like that if she’d only stop forcing him to do so. One minute she’s told  that he should take everything and abandon her, then the next he threatens that if she tries to leave he will hunt her down. Alone and scared, she tries her damnedest to behave but eventually he beats her so badly she ends up in the hospital, forced to file a police report.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and many other studies world-wide, boys who witness men beating their mother are twice as likely to abuse woman they are intimate with and up to sixty percent of those abusing their partner will also abuse the children. Girls raised in this environment statistically end up with the same living conditions as their mother.

As mention above, children raised with violence in the home, understand very little about healthy relationships. As adults, we know behavior such as domestic abuse is wrong. However, once you’re in a committed relationship, it seems nearly impossible to escape.

Below are some startling facts about domestic abuse:

  • According to the CDC, one scientific study from 1991 through 1999 deemed homicide by domestic partner as the leading cause of injury deaths for pregnant and postpartum women.
  • Abusers use violence as means of domination and control. They don’t play fair and will do anything to make you submit. Abusive partners will intimidate you, hurt you, and hurt those you care about including animals and children.
  • 1.3 million women are reported to fall victim to domestic violence every year and are more likely to be murdered by their husband than a stranger.
  • Less than one-fifth report being abused. Domestic violence is one of the most unreported crimes.

Domestic violence is a serious crime not only against the victim, but everyone involved. There are many case studies, statistics, and stories made available to the public. If you or someone you know is in danger, please get help. It could be a matter of life or death.

Need crisis services for yourself or others?

(Organización Línea Nacional de Información sobre Violencia Doméstica)

Phone Number 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3224 TTY for the

Deaf, Deaf-Blind and Hard of Hearing

Assistance through e-mail at ndvh@ndvh.org

Crisis intervention and referrals to the Deaf through the TTY line and e-mail at deafhelp@ndvh.org)

Volunteers and Advocates for this hotline have access to over 139 languages.

  • Organizations offering services for clinicians and others involved in preventing violence against women of reproductive age:
  1. Physician’s for a Violence-Free Society
  2. Family Violence Prevention Council (use google search with your state of residency)
  3. American Nurses Association
  4. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
  5. American College of Nurse Midwives
  • Other resources beneficial to women:
  1. Family and Intimate Violence Prevention
  2. National Women’s Health Information Center
  3. HelpGuide.org

3 Reasons why to get out of bed in the morning

by Shell DeToni, posted in Domestic Violence, Non-fiction

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If you ever experience a trauma or hardship in your life then personally you’ll appreciate the advice handed to you in this article. Although it’s not on a silver platter with magic beans that guarantee to fix all the qualms vexing you at the moment, it just may help to satisfy a small part  .

  1. There is someone who needs you and perhaps depends on you. Like it or not, someone is out there now who cannot endure the thought of living  life without you. Therefore, it is your obligation to stay breathing for that person(s).  In order to get through, whatever torturous ordeal you’re vexed with, someone needs your love and that is worth everything.  It could be a family members,  friends, or someone you’ve met on Facebook.  Anchor yourself to the realism of how important you are to others. Continue reading “3 Reasons why to get out of bed in the morning” →

Are you in an Abusive Relationship?

by Shell DeToni, posted in Domestic Violence, Non-fiction
Battered (album)
Battered (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is not one person who is immune to violence. It can happen to anyone, anytime, or anyplace without notice. An abuser does not care about anything or anyone. Abusers are only interested in control and are extremely dangerous when they no longer have the power to manipulate you.  And do not underestimate their ability as master manipulators. They have lived their entire lives influencing people to do almost anything.

Signs of abuse:

–        Does your partner have a history of abuse, either in his immediate family or been convicted of domestic battery?

–        Are you isolated from everyone and are terrified of someone calling, texting, emailing you, or dropping by unexpectedly?

–        Does your partner yell and belittle you by calling you names or putting you down?

–        Have you been pushed, slapped, hit, bullied, spit on, or objects thrown at you?

–        Do you feel as if you are the one who is crazy and you deserve the punishment?

–        Does your partner threaten suicide or murder if you leave?

–        Does your partner threaten to forever remove you from your children’s lives?

This type of behavior is inexcusable and there is nothing a person has done to deserve such treatment, especially from a so-called loved one.  Even if your partner has a mental illness such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, these are not valid reasons to hurt someone.

If you find you are in such a situation, please get out now. There are a lot of resources to help you and your children get out safely.  You do not deserve to be abused! Not even once!

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Canada: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of help lines and crisis centers.