That’s Not Love


Domestic Violence awareness can mean life or death, and awareness couldn’t be more necessary. Domestic violence does not discriminate nor does it care about your social status. Abusers come from all walks of life and from every culture afflicting one out of every four women.

With a Jekyll and Hyde mentality, domestic violence abusers are dangerous and often deadly. It sometimes is difficult to identify an abuser because most are cunning and deceiving.  For the most part they appear to be generous, friendly, and appealing. Behind closed doors these monsters are lascivious and cruel. Victims feel as if they are walking on eggshells never knowing when the infamous Mr. Hyde will materialize.

Emotionally crippled, domestic violence victims are convinced that all hope is lost and they truly deserve what they get because they are no longer able to fix things. Telling themselves it’s their fault; they provoked the attack because dinner was ruined, the wrong thing had been said when they knew better, or not being home on time. Abusers never, ever take responsibility for their actions. Always blaming everyone else for their repugnant behavior.

With the never-ending obsession of being in control, abusive partners are insidious. Early in the relationship, they will have the victim believing that their controlling behavior is all in the name of love:

  • Keeping tabs on you by consistently calling or texting. In the beginning it’s cute, “Ah! I can’t believe you care so much about me that you have to know every detail of every second of my life. How romantic!” But after a while, you realize it has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with, “you had better drop everything and answer that damn phone when I call or else.”
  • They repeatedly remind you that no cares for you but them. So you cut everyone out of your life and are left alone with your one true love. What you don’t realize is, when there is no one else in your life there is no else to care about you. If your completely isolated, there is no interference with your abusers control and manipulation over you. You become hopelessly dependent upon them.
  • Coerced sexual activities. Oh sure, it might have intrigued you or peaked your interest when the topic of conversation was brought up. But no means no! It doesn’t matter the reasons why. If you’re not into it, you shouldn’t be forced to do it! When someone forces you into an unwanted sexual act, it’s rape! Rape is NOT love!

It’s absolutely imperative to get away from your abuser before you are seriously injured or murdered. Most will decided to leave only after an incident that can no longer be hidden. A beating so severe, you require medical treatment and no amount of story telling will convince anyone of anything but the fact that you have been assaulted.

First step to getting away is to make a plan:

  • Pack a getaway bag. Store it in a safe hidden place like an old box in the garage, at someone else’s house, or under the matte in the trunk of your car where the spare tire is. Have cash, a prepaid activated cell phone with plenty of minutes, a list of contacts, and toiletries such as a hair brush, soap, toothbrush, and toothpaste. Make certain you have important documents like your birth-certificate, social security card, passport, etc. Don’t pack anything the abuser will notice. Remember, they have a gift for sniffing out defiance.
  • Tell somebody. You won’t be able to do this alone. The emotional impact will be more than you can take. You will need help. Confide in a trusted friend, coworker, or a member of your own family. Better yet; call the police.  If you end up in the hospital tell them the truth, they already know what happened and they are there to help you.

Yes you’re embarrassed, humiliated, and degraded. You’re thinking, “I’m scared. He said he’d kill me if I told anyone or if I tried to leave.” Or, “He told me I would never see my children again.”

Yes, he did tell you those things and yes, he means it. All the more reason to get away and get some help. And you do need help. Getting out safely cannot be done alone. You need a plan, which means somewhere to go, money to get you there, and protection if he comes after you .

Get a restraining order to protect yourself and the children. But remember that it’s just a piece of paper, so it’s necessary to take precautions during your transition:

  • Be prepared for the overwhelming guilt. You’ll have moments when the good memories surface and you think that you’ve overreacted. Especially when the abuser contacts you swearing their undying love even though you brutally locked them up in jail. They forgive you, now it’s time you forgave them. Beckoning yet another chance, promising to never lay a hand on you again as if miraculously they’ve been rehabilitated.
  • This person is not your friend and cannot be trusted! Under any circumstances do not make contact with the abuser. The last thing you need is for them to find out where you are living at.

I’m not going to lie. It’s the most painful transition you will ever go through. Now that I’m an outsider looking in, it’s absolutely worth it! I do not regret that I left and believe it or not, the pain is gone.

Please, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get help!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-7233