It’s Not You, It’s Him.

Español: Violencia de género (Violencia doméstica)

In a recent conversation, I was told that woman have ways to make their partners violent towards them. This person actually said to me that men are pushed into hitting women, “I know exactly what they do.”

I cannot stress enough to those who are victims of domestic violence; THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE SOMEONE VIOLENT AND VICTIMS DO NOT DESERVES TO GET THE HELL BEAT OUT OF THEM!

Abusers are sick and disturbed people who are very good at manipulation and imposing fear. They are so good at it, one could call it a gift. They don’t just physically abuse their partner and sometimes children, they psychologically damage them. And it can happen to anyone.

A little girl does not make use of her time daydreaming about spending her life with a monster that mirrors the man her mother married. She doesn’t want to be tortured by the one person who has sworn to love her more than anyone else. Children who grow up in violent homes, daydream about escaping and living a beautiful, self-sustaining life. Unfortunately, without “normal” life skills, those girls often end-up in what appears to be the same hopeless situation as their mother.

At first life is fun and exciting with him. He puts her on a pedestal praising her above all others. He’s cool and likable by all who meet him and he’s chosen her to spend his life with. With lifelong self-esteem issues, she takes his praise and runs away with him honestly believing he’s her knight in shinning armor.

Life is good for a while, one can almost call it fairy-tale like. But as we all know, a fairy-tale is not real. It’s make-believe and these horrors are anything but made up. When life situations interrupt their imaginary happiness, chaos turns paradise into a living hell.

The first time it happens he’s convinced her that it will never happen again. She tries over and over to figure out what happened. He hugs her tight to his chest whispering through tears about how sorry he is and swears on the moon and stars that it will never happen again. Playing on her insecurities, he reminds her that there is no one else who cares about her. Even uses, “Your parents don’t even want you, but I do. I love you.”

Convinced this is his one and only episode that will never happen again, she stays. After assessing the damage, she believes that the bruises and sore spots on her arms and back are no big deal. After all, it’s not like he punch her in the face. He just grabbed her arms and threw her around a bit than pushed her through a door.

Cycle of Abuse WheelAs time goes on, the violence gets worse. She’s strong-armed, has things thrown at her, spit on, jerked around by her hair, body slammed, doused with water, and raped. She wears clothing that covers the bruising. Consistently she calls in sick for work and impedes all communication with friends and family because every-time she leaves the house she’s accused of having sexual affairs with other men.

He tells her to just stop making him so mad. Other people wouldn’t dare treat him the way she does and he wouldn’t act like that if she’d only stop forcing him to do so. One minute she’s told  that he should take everything and abandon her, then the next he threatens that if she tries to leave he will hunt her down. Alone and scared, she tries her damnedest to behave but eventually he beats her so badly she ends up in the hospital, forced to file a police report.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and many other studies world-wide, boys who witness men beating their mother are twice as likely to abuse woman they are intimate with and up to sixty percent of those abusing their partner will also abuse the children. Girls raised in this environment statistically end up with the same living conditions as their mother.

As mention above, children raised with violence in the home, understand very little about healthy relationships. As adults, we know behavior such as domestic abuse is wrong. However, once you’re in a committed relationship, it seems nearly impossible to escape.

Below are some startling facts about domestic abuse:

  • According to the CDC, one scientific study from 1991 through 1999 deemed homicide by domestic partner as the leading cause of injury deaths for pregnant and postpartum women.
  • Abusers use violence as means of domination and control. They don’t play fair and will do anything to make you submit. Abusive partners will intimidate you, hurt you, and hurt those you care about including animals and children.
  • 1.3 million women are reported to fall victim to domestic violence every year and are more likely to be murdered by their husband than a stranger.
  • Less than one-fifth report being abused. Domestic violence is one of the most unreported crimes.

Domestic violence is a serious crime not only against the victim, but everyone involved. There are many case studies, statistics, and stories made available to the public. If you or someone you know is in danger, please get help. It could be a matter of life or death.

Need crisis services for yourself or others?

(Organización Línea Nacional de Información sobre Violencia Doméstica)

Phone Number 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3224 TTY for the

Deaf, Deaf-Blind and Hard of Hearing

Assistance through e-mail at

Crisis intervention and referrals to the Deaf through the TTY line and e-mail at

Volunteers and Advocates for this hotline have access to over 139 languages.

  • Organizations offering services for clinicians and others involved in preventing violence against women of reproductive age:
  1. Physician’s for a Violence-Free Society
  2. Family Violence Prevention Council (use google search with your state of residency)
  3. American Nurses Association
  4. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
  5. American College of Nurse Midwives
  • Other resources beneficial to women:
  1. Family and Intimate Violence Prevention
  2. National Women’s Health Information Center

Not even once; Jayne’s story

The story you are about to read is about real events that took place some years ago. The names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Jayne‘s story:

The excitement Jayne posses is so intense she can barely contain it. Things have been so rocky with John she honestly thought she’d have to use her escape plan, but today’s different. Today is a beautiful July afternoon and Jayne is spending the day at the pool with her sweet beautiful baby girl and her husband. Family time is very far, few, and in-between anymore and Jayne was going to make the best of it.

The three of them were having a great time without a care in the world. The sun is bright, the water is cool, and they’re playing as if life just doesn’t get any better than this. After about an hour of splashing about and giving nonstop piggyback rides to the toddler, Jayne decides to dry off and soak up some rays.

Distracted by her thoughts of the warm sun on her skin, she didn’t realize just how upset John was about the guy who has shown up and sat next to where she was going to rest and relax.  She should have known by the rude & vulgar comments he making. Shrugging, Jayne didn’t give it second thought because the sun is so inviting and warm she couldn’t wait to absorb the heat and warm up.

Lying on a towel placed on the hot concrete, she closes her eyes and smiles as she begins to daydream about the summer fun they were going to have. Then unexpectedly John is standing over her demanding that she gets her ass up, pack shit up, and head for home. Stupefied, Jayne asks why immediately regretting her decision to leave John’s side as she glanced up and saw that look in his eyes.

Like many times before, she knew that once they were home she was in for a punishment for God only knows what. As Jayne scrambles to gather everyone’s belongings, the all too familiar sick feeling sets in her stomach. Swallowing a whimper, Jayne begins to worry about how she’s going to calm him down this time since she doesn’t have a clue about what went wrong.

The walk home is terrifying as he is carrying the baby while Jayne carries everything else.  Worrying about what he intends to do once she walks in and closes that door she thinks, Please God, make John hold it together long enough to put her down and not hurt her.

Although Jayne is fearful for her daughter, she doesn’t dare make a scene. It becomes difficult to breathe with each step that gets closer to home, only able to take in air as John gently puts the toddler down and instructs her to go play outside. Relief immediately turns to dread as he faces Jayne with a demonic look on his face saying without uttering a single word, you’re going to get it.

Slamming his shoulder into her, John stomps up the stairs muttering something about bitches and whores. She holds one hand tight on her chest, the other over her mouth while squeezing her eyes shut trying to stop the scream. Afraid to even breathe, Jayne holds still as a statue hoping to become invisible and praying that he’s able to come back to reality and calm himself down. “Get your ass up here,” he yells from their bedroom upstairs. Shaken, she slowly starts up the stairs walking as if her feet were in quicksand.

In the bedroom he’s stretched out across the bed, with a smug look upon his face, and pats the spot next to him signaling her to lie down. She does as instructed and from the moment his hands touch her bile burns her throat. On the brink of hysteria, Jayne detaches herself from the situation and escapes to the confines of her imagination. It terrifies her when she cuts off her mind from her body. But some time ago she chose to deal with that fear instead of  dealing with the assaults as he has his way with her body.

Jayne’s concentrating so hard on shutting down her senses as she attempts to numb her body, every word John had just spoken fell on deaf ears. Suddenly she’s jerked back to reality as John grabs her by the back of the head screaming in her face with a handful of hair in his grasp, “So you DO want him!”

Confused about the sudden turn of events Jayne asks who he’s talking about. This sends John into a blind rage, feeling insulted and aggravated. He then flips Jayne off the bed all the while ranting, “You slut! I knew you got out and left us in that damn pool so you could flirt with him!”

After being thrown into the wall she got up off the floor to notice blood trickling down her arm.  Tying to steady the trembling in her voice, Jayne takes a couple of deep breaths and ask, “Why would I want to be with someone else and who are you talking about? What guy?”

Just then she remembers the comments John made about the guy at the pool. Shocked she looks up at John and realizes he’s standing there like a wild animal waiting to pounce. He examines every feature and every expression on her face until he perceives victory is on his side.

“But I….,” Jayne’s abruptly cut off when John grabs both of her shoulders slamming her into the wall with the full force of his body knocking the wind out of her. This is different, he’s never been this brutal before, Jayne thought as he picked her up and tossed her on the bed. Jayne screams, “no, no, no, God no!”

She begs him to stop, but the horror continues and she tries to free herself from his clutches. The more she screams and struggles the angrier John becomes. Holding her down with a hand on the front of her head, he slams his elbow hard into her face. Bells ring in her ears and the room blurs. John quickly jumps back with a surprised look upon his face saying, “Oh my God sweetheart, I am so sorry.” He genuinely was sorry and the man I married was suddenly there kneeling over me with sad eyes.

Confused about what had just happened, and surprised by John’s sudden change of personality as the contours of his face softened. Jayne tasted the blood in her mouth and immediately her senses came back as she realized he hit her in the face this time.  Sensing her reaction to the events that just unfolded, the person John had been a long time ago, vanished as the monster took over once again.

Grabbing a cup filled with water, he demanded Jayne to wash the blood off her face. Standing now with very wobbly legs she tried to push her way past him stating she had to use the bathroom. But John would not allow her out of the bedroom throwing the water on her face as he smashed his hand down on her mouth smearing the crimson liquid.

After trying to get by John again, Jayne’s pinned down on the bed only this time it was so she wouldn’t escape. Eventually she was able to wiggle out of his grasp. As she lunged for the door, John wrapped his arm around her throat cutting off her ability to breathe and to speak. Clawing at her throat, she attempts to pry his arm away to no avail.  Realizing this time he was going to kill her, Jayne began to bargain with God, Please do not let me die like this. My daughter cannot grow up knowing her father killed her mother, PLEASE!

As tears stream down her checks, Jayne’s lips start to tingle and a buzzing sound fills her ears. Honestly believing that this is the end, she frantically slaps at Johns arm in one last attempt to make him let go. To Jayne’s surprise John pushes her off the bed so hard she lands on floor with a loud thump. Gasping for air as she gets up on all fours, Jayne starts to vomit assuming it’s from all the blood she has swallowed.

“Get up off that floor and go clean yourself up,” said John in a low dangerous voice.  Not able to move, Jayne remains on the floor. Angered by the lack of response on Jayne’s part, John picked her up by the back of her neck, shoved her into the bathroom and began to throw more water on her face. Jayne just stood there allowing him to douse her until he’s satisfied,  “You look like shit. No one in their right mind is ever going to want you. Hell, I don’t even want you. I should have never left Susie to come back to you and this crap hole. She wouldn’t have dared treat me as bad as you do,” he said as he sat on the floor.

Jayne then saw an opportunity to leave and took it. She jumped the small fence in front of the house, ran to her daughter who was playing alone outside, and went to the nearest neighbor’s house. Jayne was taken to the hospital after the police, firemen, and medics left. Her injuries were not serious and she returned home early the next morning.

The journey Jayne began on that day was not an easy one. Court sessions, testimonies, divorce, and custody issues were a battle from the day her husband was released from jail. She was in therapy for two years but got through it all with the help of a lot people. The police officer who was first on the scene and the social worker in the ER gave her information, literature, and phone numbers to call for help about domestic violence.

No one should be subjected to the outright brutality a loved one can dish out. The message I want to convey is that there is a way out and there are people who will help you and your children escape. No matter how grim your situation is, no matter how long you have lived with this secret, and no matter what he has told you. THERE IS A WAY OUT!

If you or someone you know are a victim of domestic violence please, please, please get help. No one deserves to suffer abuse, not even once!

National Domestic Violence Hotline

–        Help in Your Area

–        Contact the Hotline

–        Am I Being Abused?

–        What is Domestic Violence?

–        Get Help

–        Helping a Friend

End the Cycle NOW!

English: Cycle of Abuse Chart
English: Cycle of Abuse Chart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Domestic abuse is the leading cause of injury to women. The statistics listed below are mind-boggling and most who have never experienced such a heinous act are asking, “Why in the hell would anyone put up with that?”

Believe me, every single woman who’s assaulted has asked herself this question thousands of times. There is no answer. Call it brainwashing, stupidity, or naïvety. It is what it is; a crime that can be punishable with time in prison.

There are many resources available for helping woman and children get away from the violent hands of their offenders in an attempt to help them end the cycle of abuse.  Some people are willing to do anything to help you.

If you are in an abusive relationship go to or call a hotline NOW.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224
  • Crime Victims Hotline: 1-866-689-4357
  • Rape & Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-212-227-3000
  • TTD phone number for all hotlines: 1-866-604-5350

All studies, statistics, and information listed in End the Cycle NOW are found at the National Domestic Violence Hotline  and the U.S. National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health  website from reputable agencies such as the Mayo Clinic.

  • Every nine seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted or beaten by someone she knows and trust.
  • Studies suggest that up to ten million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
  • Every day in the United States, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
  • Between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been abused never contacted help organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
  • The costs of inmate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year.
  • Men who as children witnessed their father’s violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than of sons of nonviolent parents.