That’s Not Love


Domestic Violence awareness can mean life or death, and awareness couldn’t be more necessary. Domestic violence does not discriminate nor does it care about your social status. Abusers come from all walks of life and from every culture afflicting one out of every four women.

With a Jekyll and Hyde mentality, domestic violence abusers are dangerous and often deadly. It sometimes is difficult to identify an abuser because most are cunning and deceiving.  For the most part they appear to be generous, friendly, and appealing. Behind closed doors these monsters are lascivious and cruel. Victims feel as if they are walking on eggshells never knowing when the infamous Mr. Hyde will materialize.

Emotionally crippled, domestic violence victims are convinced that all hope is lost and they truly deserve what they get because they are no longer able to fix things. Telling themselves it’s their fault; they provoked the attack because dinner was ruined, the wrong thing had been said when they knew better, or not being home on time. Abusers never, ever take responsibility for their actions. Always blaming everyone else for their repugnant behavior.

With the never-ending obsession of being in control, abusive partners are insidious. Early in the relationship, they will have the victim believing that their controlling behavior is all in the name of love:

  • Keeping tabs on you by consistently calling or texting. In the beginning it’s cute, “Ah! I can’t believe you care so much about me that you have to know every detail of every second of my life. How romantic!” But after a while, you realize it has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with, “you had better drop everything and answer that damn phone when I call or else.”
  • They repeatedly remind you that no cares for you but them. So you cut everyone out of your life and are left alone with your one true love. What you don’t realize is, when there is no one else in your life there is no else to care about you. If your completely isolated, there is no interference with your abusers control and manipulation over you. You become hopelessly dependent upon them.
  • Coerced sexual activities. Oh sure, it might have intrigued you or peaked your interest when the topic of conversation was brought up. But no means no! It doesn’t matter the reasons why. If you’re not into it, you shouldn’t be forced to do it! When someone forces you into an unwanted sexual act, it’s rape! Rape is NOT love!

It’s absolutely imperative to get away from your abuser before you are seriously injured or murdered. Most will decided to leave only after an incident that can no longer be hidden. A beating so severe, you require medical treatment and no amount of story telling will convince anyone of anything but the fact that you have been assaulted.

First step to getting away is to make a plan:

  • Pack a getaway bag. Store it in a safe hidden place like an old box in the garage, at someone else’s house, or under the matte in the trunk of your car where the spare tire is. Have cash, a prepaid activated cell phone with plenty of minutes, a list of contacts, and toiletries such as a hair brush, soap, toothbrush, and toothpaste. Make certain you have important documents like your birth-certificate, social security card, passport, etc. Don’t pack anything the abuser will notice. Remember, they have a gift for sniffing out defiance.
  • Tell somebody. You won’t be able to do this alone. The emotional impact will be more than you can take. You will need help. Confide in a trusted friend, coworker, or a member of your own family. Better yet; call the police.  If you end up in the hospital tell them the truth, they already know what happened and they are there to help you.

Yes you’re embarrassed, humiliated, and degraded. You’re thinking, “I’m scared. He said he’d kill me if I told anyone or if I tried to leave.” Or, “He told me I would never see my children again.”

Yes, he did tell you those things and yes, he means it. All the more reason to get away and get some help. And you do need help. Getting out safely cannot be done alone. You need a plan, which means somewhere to go, money to get you there, and protection if he comes after you .

Get a restraining order to protect yourself and the children. But remember that it’s just a piece of paper, so it’s necessary to take precautions during your transition:

  • Be prepared for the overwhelming guilt. You’ll have moments when the good memories surface and you think that you’ve overreacted. Especially when the abuser contacts you swearing their undying love even though you brutally locked them up in jail. They forgive you, now it’s time you forgave them. Beckoning yet another chance, promising to never lay a hand on you again as if miraculously they’ve been rehabilitated.
  • This person is not your friend and cannot be trusted! Under any circumstances do not make contact with the abuser. The last thing you need is for them to find out where you are living at.

I’m not going to lie. It’s the most painful transition you will ever go through. Now that I’m an outsider looking in, it’s absolutely worth it! I do not regret that I left and believe it or not, the pain is gone.

Please, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get help!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-7233

It’s Not You, It’s Him.

Español: Violencia de género (Violencia doméstica)

In a recent conversation, I was told that woman have ways to make their partners violent towards them. This person actually said to me that men are pushed into hitting women, “I know exactly what they do.”

I cannot stress enough to those who are victims of domestic violence; THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE SOMEONE VIOLENT AND VICTIMS DO NOT DESERVES TO GET THE HELL BEAT OUT OF THEM!

Abusers are sick and disturbed people who are very good at manipulation and imposing fear. They are so good at it, one could call it a gift. They don’t just physically abuse their partner and sometimes children, they psychologically damage them. And it can happen to anyone.

A little girl does not make use of her time daydreaming about spending her life with a monster that mirrors the man her mother married. She doesn’t want to be tortured by the one person who has sworn to love her more than anyone else. Children who grow up in violent homes, daydream about escaping and living a beautiful, self-sustaining life. Unfortunately, without “normal” life skills, those girls often end-up in what appears to be the same hopeless situation as their mother.

At first life is fun and exciting with him. He puts her on a pedestal praising her above all others. He’s cool and likable by all who meet him and he’s chosen her to spend his life with. With lifelong self-esteem issues, she takes his praise and runs away with him honestly believing he’s her knight in shinning armor.

Life is good for a while, one can almost call it fairy-tale like. But as we all know, a fairy-tale is not real. It’s make-believe and these horrors are anything but made up. When life situations interrupt their imaginary happiness, chaos turns paradise into a living hell.

The first time it happens he’s convinced her that it will never happen again. She tries over and over to figure out what happened. He hugs her tight to his chest whispering through tears about how sorry he is and swears on the moon and stars that it will never happen again. Playing on her insecurities, he reminds her that there is no one else who cares about her. Even uses, “Your parents don’t even want you, but I do. I love you.”

Convinced this is his one and only episode that will never happen again, she stays. After assessing the damage, she believes that the bruises and sore spots on her arms and back are no big deal. After all, it’s not like he punch her in the face. He just grabbed her arms and threw her around a bit than pushed her through a door.

Cycle of Abuse WheelAs time goes on, the violence gets worse. She’s strong-armed, has things thrown at her, spit on, jerked around by her hair, body slammed, doused with water, and raped. She wears clothing that covers the bruising. Consistently she calls in sick for work and impedes all communication with friends and family because every-time she leaves the house she’s accused of having sexual affairs with other men.

He tells her to just stop making him so mad. Other people wouldn’t dare treat him the way she does and he wouldn’t act like that if she’d only stop forcing him to do so. One minute she’s told  that he should take everything and abandon her, then the next he threatens that if she tries to leave he will hunt her down. Alone and scared, she tries her damnedest to behave but eventually he beats her so badly she ends up in the hospital, forced to file a police report.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and many other studies world-wide, boys who witness men beating their mother are twice as likely to abuse woman they are intimate with and up to sixty percent of those abusing their partner will also abuse the children. Girls raised in this environment statistically end up with the same living conditions as their mother.

As mention above, children raised with violence in the home, understand very little about healthy relationships. As adults, we know behavior such as domestic abuse is wrong. However, once you’re in a committed relationship, it seems nearly impossible to escape.

Below are some startling facts about domestic abuse:

  • According to the CDC, one scientific study from 1991 through 1999 deemed homicide by domestic partner as the leading cause of injury deaths for pregnant and postpartum women.
  • Abusers use violence as means of domination and control. They don’t play fair and will do anything to make you submit. Abusive partners will intimidate you, hurt you, and hurt those you care about including animals and children.
  • 1.3 million women are reported to fall victim to domestic violence every year and are more likely to be murdered by their husband than a stranger.
  • Less than one-fifth report being abused. Domestic violence is one of the most unreported crimes.

Domestic violence is a serious crime not only against the victim, but everyone involved. There are many case studies, statistics, and stories made available to the public. If you or someone you know is in danger, please get help. It could be a matter of life or death.

Need crisis services for yourself or others?

(Organización Línea Nacional de Información sobre Violencia Doméstica)

Phone Number 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3224 TTY for the

Deaf, Deaf-Blind and Hard of Hearing

Assistance through e-mail at

Crisis intervention and referrals to the Deaf through the TTY line and e-mail at

Volunteers and Advocates for this hotline have access to over 139 languages.

  • Organizations offering services for clinicians and others involved in preventing violence against women of reproductive age:
  1. Physician’s for a Violence-Free Society
  2. Family Violence Prevention Council (use google search with your state of residency)
  3. American Nurses Association
  4. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
  5. American College of Nurse Midwives
  • Other resources beneficial to women:
  1. Family and Intimate Violence Prevention
  2. National Women’s Health Information Center